The Bachelorette, 6/22

Ian is still talking about how Kaitlyn is “surface level”… I’m sorry, bro. You came on a TELEVISION SHOW for a reason. He also keeps mentioning that he wanted to meet the Kaitlyn who got her heart broken by Chris Soules… methinks he’s looking for a hot mess of a chick. WE GET IT. YOU’RE A DEEP DUDE. YOU’RE INTELLIGENT. We all are OVER you

Kaitlyn sits the boys down and gets emotional and tells them how Ian called her “shallow” – a collective gasp follows in the room… I shit you not. She then gives this long monologue about how intimacy is V important to her. We get it. Sex is #1 in your book. All the guys are oddly concerned about how Kaitlyn is doing. BITCH. She is the BACHELORETTE. SHE IS GOING TO BE GODDAMN FINE. Stop faking the empathy.

The Rose Ceremony

“We are in a very special place, the Alamo”. All I remember when I visited the Alamo was that it was hot, I thought I was going to pass out and I was sweaty. I swear to god, I’ve never heard so many men say “drama,” and “hurt.” Can someone please tell me how Kentucky Joe keeps advancing week after week!? I am SO confused. Thank god Justin finally is going home though. And you Joshua? Its back to the farm for you.

I really can’t get over Nick’s slight speech impediment.

Dublin, Ireland

From fucking San Antonio TX to Dublin… can someone tell me the rhyme or reason to this Bachelorette wold tour?

Of course this is Joe’s first time out of the country. I LOVE that these guys are wearing athleisure outfits … those joggers? Yes. Also Shawn is starting to show his true colors – which is adorably GREEN with jealousy.

Speech impediment Nick made a stupid joke about the luck of the Irish, which reminds me exactly of what he looks like… a fucking leprechaun.

Yup, that’s the one.

I’m really over the Nick-talking-about-kissing-Kaitlyn shit. It’s making me really nauseous and I’m over it. Nick has his one-on-one dinner date and BOY CANNOT EVEN TUCK IN HIS SHIRT?! He’s wearing THE ugliest suit ensemble I’ve seen and the shirt un-tucked / no muss no fuss look is NOT working for this little leprechaun. Get it together Nick. No one likes you (except Kaitlyn who clearly lusts you). You know what’s funny, at these dates I never ever see them eat. That’s weird right? Another reason why I could not be The Bachelorette.. I would need snacks on snacks all the time.

Queue the sex noises with Nick and Kaitlyn. Dear ABC, please stop captioning these scenes. It’s the epitome of uncomfortable.

Here comes the drama! Sidenote: who is Kaitlyn talking to during this “morning after” shit? Is she talking to herself? This is weird.

I love how the guys will stuff themselves 3 deep on one couch just to avoid sitting next to Nick.

But goddamn, Shawn looks good in the all black get up. Something about Ben H. really irks me. He licks his lips too much and he looks too naive. Some shit like that.

Kaitlyn is Dead

This is real fucked. REAL FUCKED ABC. An Irish wake for Kaitlyn? Just because you’re in Ireland doesnt mean you have to do every Irish thing. Its like being in America and being like “WE SHOULD EAT ALL OF THE CHEESEBURGERS.” But honestly this is real fucked. Chris Harrison is like “youre the worst dead person ever” and this is just really fucking stupid. Kaitlyn’s like really excited about this and up until now I thought she had a great sense of humor but this is some morbid shit.

Tanner is a really great rhymer. Jared says Kaitlyn has a “fat man laugh” – I agree. He also kisses Kaitlyn. Who is dead. Cupcake Chris sings and its weird as shit (he is straight right?). Ben H is weird too, still off putting to me, especially when he goes into the Hitchcock Birds story. Shawn is adorable, duh. and makes a jab at Nick. BEN Z. This is awkward for him I’m sure. YOU DIDN’T REMEMBER THE FACT THAT HIS MOM HAS PASSED AWAY, DIDN’T YOU, KAITLYN? RUDE. This is really awkward and I’m feeling a lot of emotions and Ben Z. is really adorable. I feel like this is a sign that Ben Z isn’t getting a rose next episode…

Tanner reminds me of the Nouveau Bro I just read about today.

Jared is a smitten kitten. Or like a loyal little puppy. It’s kind of adorable, kind of nauseating.

Kaitlyn to Shawn: You seem a little bit off today.

Shawn with a deceiving smile: Off? No? How am I off?

STORY OF MY LIFE. Do not lie to a woman’s face… even your pretty face Shawn!

The FUCKING Cranberries are singing for this one on one date…. I just vomitted. You know fun fact, one time I helped the Cranberries buy gifts at LUSH when I worked there. Just about my only subtle brush with fame.

Tanner might be my favorite guy at this point because he makes the best jokes at the most inopportune times.

 

Shawn is getting super emo and having WAY too many feels and not only is he questioning his love for Kaitlyn, but I’m questioning whether I really like him because hes just way too dramatic about life.

Kaitlyn’s crying because she’s just realized what happens when you broadcast your sex life on national television and peoples feelings get hurt and things get weird.

OF COURSE in next week’s preview, Cupcake Chris is the only man audibly and visibly crying.